What Do You Think Of This Story?

http://www.xanga.com/jeffhardylovestory_...





There is the link. You can be critical, I don't care. :) But PLEASE LEAVE FEEDBACK!! Thank you so much! I hope you all enjoy the story!!!

What Do You Think Of This Story?
You know it's an okay start. It hasn't gripped me so you'll want to do that quickly in your story so the reader doesn't want to put it down. I was confused by how you said and then Jeff Hardy came out of his mouth. Did he just say his name only? It's always a good idea to put it down for a day or two and then come back and reread it with a clear head. I don't follow wrestling so I have no idea who he is. You may want to say a little more about him for the reader like me. Is that why she is upset? That part is a little foggy to me.
Reply:OK - I appreciate your hard work - but here's the honest terrible criticism that I know and you know you will not accept despite being good for you and your writing skills.





And by the way absdefgh ;)


1)The Beginning was not a hooker - it did not hook me into the story - it was too passive, already out there, outdated, outmoded, slow and nothing exciting. The first sentence did not want me to know more. Nor did the First Paragraph. In fact, the entire Introduction did not encourage me to read on.


2)Spelling - OK. This you need to improve for presentation and to be taken seriously. There is no excuses there. It doesn't matter that much now though, so chin up.


3)Verbs that replace "said" - "said" is a transparent word: it gives meaning without being heard. "Cried, called, screamed, shouted, whispered and growled" can be used at times, but cautiously. "Bellowed, Wheezed and the like" should be used very rarely and there are some verbs out there that just kill a good piece of dialogue (ie. Insinuated)


4)The dialogue was not fluent, I feel - although first drafts suffer from that anyway - so redrafting will help you.


5)Characterisation - work on it - the characters seemed 1 dimensional and weak and, sorry :(, but sloppy. Search the internet for "Character Sketches" or "Writing Workshops" that give you ways and methods to develop your characters.


6)Story - I wouldn't read the rest with that Introduction. You see, that piece is representing your story, your writing and yourself - make the best of it - work on it - and done :)





Did I mention abcdefgh by the way? lol


However, keep working - I'm telling you, there was a time when Charles Dickens and Hemingway wrote way worse than that piece. I don't know when, but they did not pop out of their mums streaming with flowery descriptions in eloquent language, I bet you that!





Oh, and keep working - Good Luck!!!

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