Please Give me your honest opinion?

THis is my 3rd poem and I want to get some feedback before I put it on my site www.xanga.com/floetry06





Once Upon A Time...





At one time we were so close we were one


Five long years without your face


If we were re-united wouldn't that be fun?


Without you I fear I cannot complete this race


Known to many as life


How I wish we were together


Even through all the suffering I've tried to ignore the strife


Once upon a time we were birds of a feather


I miss your laugh, your voice


I want you to know


I didn't make the choice


The one who did shall reap what he sows


It's been five years since we've spoke


I've seen you from afar


When I come close I start to choke


Like being in a glass jar


Able to see and hear


But unheard and unseen


The only emotion is fear


Like watching from behind a screen


Now I think about the path apparently desired by few


And how it was walked by just us two

Please Give me your honest opinion?
Good poem! I hear the longing and the love.
Reply:Honestly-this is terrible! There is no rhythm and your ignorance of correct grammar shows. There is no imagination, no imagery, no poetic devices and no meter. If the reason you were writing this poem was just to get your emotions out in the open and make you feel better, that's fine but don't even think of trying to get it published by a reputable journal, magazine etc. Writing poetry takes time and work. You have to revise, rewrite-and you must have a talent for it. Sorry, your poem shows the absence of all of these.
Reply:This is really NOT the forum for your poetry. This is really trite and you obviously have no sense of style or meter, and that is ESSENTIAL! Believe me, GOOD poetry (REAL poetry) is very difficult to write. Poetry is all about imagery.. You have none here, as you come out and tell us EVERYTHING word for word. That's NOT poetry! Don't TRY and write when you are depressed or have just been dumped, either. In short, this is AWFUL! If you want to study poetry and LEARN something, read Emily Dickinson for starters. You wanted honesty and you got it! Now, what you do with it is up to YOU!
Reply:I think you use the word "were" too often. You can do better.
Reply:Poetry is a merger of image, idea, and music. You've got some great idea here, now you need to work on revising so that you create original imagery and some song.
Reply:The tone seems fake and you use way too many cliches. It needs a lot of work.
Reply:I like it. It doesn't have a rhythm, but it expresses your thoughts well. I have a site on Xanga.com also, but haven't used it much. I use my Yahoo 360 now. I also write some poetry. Most of mine is on www.poetry.com. You can read mine by doing a search for Dixie Barnes. Keep writing. It's enormously rewarding.
Reply:It's a start. Just work on it.

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